Archive - January 2016

Suppose you were to stand on a stage while a film of every secret and selfish moment of your life was projected on the screen behind you? Would you not scream for the heavens to have mercy? And would you not feel just a fraction of what Christ felt on the cross? The icy displeasure of a sin-hating God?

The Bible says Christ carried all our sins in his body. See Christ on the cross? That’s a gossiper hanging there. See Jesus? Embezzler….liar…bigot. Hold it, Max! Don’t you lump Christ with those evildoers. I didn’t. HE did. More than place his name in the same sentence, he placed himself in their place. And yours! With hands nailed open, he invited God, Treat me as you would them.

And God did. “My God, my God, why did you abandon me?” (Matthew 27:46). Why did Christ scream those words? It’s simple–so you will never have to!

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” said the director, “a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

Received from GCFL

As a kid, I never liked to play Post Office. I preferred Pony Express, because there was horsin’ around. (Ray Dawson from Ruminations)

What do you call a woman who can’t stop buying romance novels? A heroine addict.

We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

Why is Tolkien’s “Lord of the Rings” such compulsive reading? Because it’s hobbit-forming.

“Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on ‘Destructive Pests.’ A large number were present.”

Champagne: Artificial window glass.

Received from GCFL

Our Father, I think of all the pain and heartache, the tears and sorrow, the greed and cruelty unloosed around the world.

Help me to be an instrument of Thine to alleviate the pain, by this day:
       returning good for evil,
       returning soft answers for sharp criticisms,
       being polite when I receive rudeness,
       being understanding when I am confronted by ignorance and stupidity.

So may I, in gentleness and love, check the hasty answer, choke back the unkind retort, and thus short-circuit some of the bitterness and unkindness that has overflowed Thy world.

I ask this in the name of Jesus, who alone can give me the grace so to act. Amen

Peter Marshall
Chaplain US Senate 1947-1949

While making the rounds, Dr. Owens points out an X-Ray to a group of medical students.

“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Aman Preet, what would you do in a case like this?”

Preet pondered for a second and answered, “I guess I’d limp, too.”

Received from GCFL

What’s Right?
Sometimes I get pretty confused, Lord. I try to eat right, exercise properly, and get plenty of rest, but all of the “experts” say different things about what I should be doing.

It’s important that I am a good steward of the body You’ve given me, so please help me to care for myself the right way.

Amen

– Anonymous

Heard in Court
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Dear Sweet Jesus,

A lot of time I’ve heard people say that Christians can be joyful without being happy, and I know that’s true.

Still, I relish those happy times in life. It feels good to laugh so hard that I’m crying and to smile because I see something cute.

Thank You for giving me happy times to enjoy, dear Jesus.
Amen

–Anonymous

“This fuzzification of faith has developed in parallel to increasing ignorance of biblical teaching.”

—J. I. Packer

The sheriff of a small town was also the town’s veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”

“Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?” the wife asked. “Both!” was the reply.

“We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it.”

Received from GCFL

I believe in the sun even if it isn’t shining.  I believe in love even when I am alone. I believe in God even when He is silent.

– Author Unknown

Let prayer nourish your soul as your meals nourish your body.  Let your prayer keep you in God’s presence through the day, and His presence frequently remembered.

– E. M. Bounds

The teacher asked her students what they wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room: “A football player”, “A doctor”, “An astronaut”, “The president”, “A fireman”, “A teacher”, “A race car driver”; everyone that is, except Tommy.

The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she asked him, “Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

“Possible,” Tommy replied.

“Possible?” asked the teacher.

“Yes,” Tommy said. “My mom is always telling me I’m impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible.”

Received from GCFL

A recently married man was walking with his father one day and said:

“My new wife’s cooking is so bad, we pray AFTER we eat!”

Rec’d from GCFL