Archive - May 2015

The biggest lie I tell myself is …“I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet!

I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop making me mad!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights.” I’m just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.

I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree … that makes it a plant which means … chocolate is salad!!!

And, of course… Have I sent this to you already… or did you send this to me?

Received from David Wilson.

God loves humility. Could that be why he offers so many tips on cultivating it?

Assess yourself honestly. Romans 12:3 says, “Don’t cherish exaggerated ideas of yourself, but try to have a sane estimate of your capabilities.”

Don’t take success too seriously. Deuteronomy 8:13 warns, “When your silver and gold increase your heart will become proud.” Ponder your success and count your money in a cemetery, and remember neither of the two is buried with you.

Celebrate the significance of others. Philippians 2:3 says, “In humility consider others better than yourselves.”

Speak humbly. 1st Samuel 2:3 warns, “Let no arrogance come from your mouth.” Don’t be cocky. People aren’t impressed with your opinions. In Galatians 6:14, Paul said, “The cross of our Lord Jesus Christ is my only reason for bragging!” So if you need to brag—brag about that!

From Traveling Light

The Sunday morning service had ended, and the pastor was greeting parishioners as they were leaving. Everyone was friendly as they greeted him, but no one said anything about the sermon.

The pastor was getting a little concerned about that until someone said, “Oh, pastor, your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God.”

A little puzzled, the pastor asked him to explain what he meant.

The parishioner explained. “Well, pastor, that sermon reminded me of the peace of God because it passed all understanding. And it reminded me of the love of God because it endured forever.”

Received from GCFL

Before she died, an old lady wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport.

“You must take the loyalty oath first,” the passport clerk said. “Raise your right hand, please.” The senior citizen raised her right hand as the clerk asked, “Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, domestic or foreign?”

The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, “Well, I guess so, but … will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?”

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

’…You, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.’ Psalm 86:17
NIV

Have you been hurt by a Christian who chose to condemn you
instead of showing compassion and helping you? Or by someone
who neglected you when they should have sought you out, restored
you spiritually and returned you to your rightful place in the family
of God? Most people who’ve been hurt by other Christians could
easily convince a jury that it should never have happened. And the
truth is, it shouldn’t. But it does – and reliving it won’t change
things, or change you, for the better.

Stop and think: if you were mugged and taken to the hospital, you
wouldn’t spend all your time obsessing about the person who beat
you up. No, your main objective would be to recover as quickly as
possible and move on. Ironically, with physical wounds we seek
help immediately, but with emotional ones we’re inclined to focus
on the problem instead of the solution.

So what are you going to do? Here are your options:

(1) Rehearse it. By constantly talking to others about what
happened, you empower your pain and keep it alive.

(2) Repress it. David did that: ‘When I kept silent…my strength was
sapped as in the heat of summer’ (Psalm 32:3-4 NIV).

(3) Process it. That means being willing to uncover the areas where
you were wounded and opening yourself to receive God’s grace.
That’s when you discover that ‘He heals the brokenhearted and
binds up their wounds’ (Psalm 147:3 NKJV).

(4) Share it. The Bible says, ‘Confess your sins to each other, and
pray for each other, that you may be healed…’ (James 5:16 NIV).

If you’re wise you’ll choose options (3) and (4).

SoulFood: Acts 1:1 – 3:10; Matt 2:1-12; Ps 127; Pro 10:19-21

as seen in The Word For Today and passed on by Cup O’Cheer

In your prayers, please remember those who are being subjected to the whims of the weather, and the earthquakes. All across the earth the weather is playing havoc with the populations, and the earth just doesn’t want to stop moving over in the Nepal area. Two massive earthquakes within 3 weeks, plus the attendant aftershocks have claimed almost 9,000 lives, injured thousands more, and turned homes & other buildings into rubble. They truly need our prayers.

What Really Matters

A man once went to a minister for counseling.
“I’ve lost everything,” he told the minister.
“Oh I’m so sorry to hear you’ve lost your faith,” the minister responded.
“No,” the man corrected him, “I haven’t lost my faith.”
“Well, then I’m sad to hear you’ve lost your character.”
“I didn’t say that,” the man corrected. “I still have my character.”
“I’m so sorry you’ve lost your salvation,” said the minister.
“That’s not what I said,” the man objected.
“You have your faith, your character, and your salvation. Seems to me,” the minister observed, “that you’ve lost none of the things that really matter.”
You and I could pray like the Puritan. He sat down to a meal of bread and water.  He bowed his head and declared, “All this and Jesus, too?” What will you gain with contentment? You may gain joy—and the faith to say, “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want!”
From Traveling Light

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Who Reads What Newspapers?

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but
don’t really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their
statistics shown in pie chart format.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the
country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn’t have to leave LA to
do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and
they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running
the country, and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the
country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while
intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a
country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that
they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped
minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY
country or galaxy, as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need
the baseball scores.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery
store.

Received from GCFL